Hi, I’m really sorry I didn’t wanted to write another ranting post that probably belongs much better into a personal diary which is looked away and for no one to read… but I don’t care… Noone has to read this shit after all…
(I really, really, really wanted to write something better, though. But I can’t. I’m a looser. Probably I will never. :( )
So, I was visiting a psychiatrist because I feel like shit (because I am (maybe atm, I don’t know)) on July 15…. So that’s a month ago by now, and nothing has changed. (And I can’t anymore. Sorry I know that it sucks that I’m writing that. Anyways.)
She prescribed me the same SNRI I had been taken in February (and March, April, May…), didn’t prescribe the TCA I had been taken then (thanks) but did prescribe an antipsychotic (why??). And she suggested I go into a psychiatric hospital (because that’s all easy and fun…?). Made the calls and printed the admission for me etc. And said I could contact her any time. (Which is nice of course.) I didn’t say a lot. I’m not sure she didn’t get confused about me.
Then, the following Tuesday (I think, or Wednesday) the psychiatry tried to call me. But I didn’t answer the phone so they (the psychiatrist herself) wrote me an e-mail that I should call her back. (She used my work-e-mail-adress for that. Which was not necessary, as they had my other e-mail... But whatever…). I didn’t know what to do, didn’t want to call back… and thought about all the trouble going there would cause… at work… people would likely know anyways (I don’t want them to know at all, I just want to complain in the internet…)… and I would have to bring down the rubbish (before I go there) and find some clean clothes (or worse, wash them)… :(
And after I managed to read beyond the CBT-part on their (the psychiatric hospitals’) website that place scared me quite a bit too. I don’t want to go to an esoteric retreat; I thought it was supposed to be treatment for depression.
So I wrote her back that I “THINK” that I “probably don’t want to go there”. (Which means as much as: I’ve no idea, I’m scared.) Anyways, she accepted that. (Which is nice.)
Then, a few days later I asked (by e-mail of course, because it’s not like I could speak) if I could possibly take more SNRI. But didn’t get a response. So about a week later, I asked for a new appointment, but still didn’t get a response. (I got all my appointments so far by e-mail.) A further week later I asked if it was ok that I e-mail and that they should please inform me, if it wasn’t. (They did reply to me before.) But I didn’t get a response.
So, my only conclusion can be, that they (the psychiatrists-office) and she (the psychiatrist) don’t want to communicate with me anymore. They must think that I deserve this, since I didn’t want to go into the psychiatric hospital (but I was scared, it is also a lot of work to go there). Or maybe they now too think that it’s hopeless and that they can’t do anything for me anymore… or they wish me dead.
Anyways… one night I wrote the secretary of the hospital where I was supposed to go and tried to explain why I didn’t go and that now the psychiatrist is probably mad at me. They replied (a doctor, not the secretary). He wrote I could possibly go into a day-clinic (where you stay during the day and go home at night) and that I could come and visit it before. And the person for the admissions contacted me and asked for some data, which I provided him with. That was last week. But since then I haven’t heard anything. More importantly… I have no idea how I could manage to go there every day. (I find it really, really difficult to go to a doctor for just a short appointment.)… or do the things they want you to do there…
(Also, I don’t know what they think… but the SNRI the psychiatrist prescribed lasted for 25 days and the antipsychotic lasted for 20 days (at half the dosage she prescribed…)… and I did ask for a new appointment… Probably it is very healthy to start and stop medications all the time….).
Anyways… the conclusion is, I fail even at this very basic “go to a doctor” thing. I make them hate me, rightly so. :(
Sorry again for writing this shit, if anyone read till here… I just really don’t know any solution. I suck. :( Sorry for that!! :(